Pumpkin Patch Express in Durham NC

We are sitting on the Pumpkin Patch Express, children all around us "choo-choo-ing" and chattering excitedly. I lean my head on Matt's shoulder and close my eyes as Anna wraps her little hand around my fingers.

Speeding through the wooded terrain of the Museum of Life and Science, I feel whole and at home with my little family, all squished in this tiny train car, quiet and observant and at peace with one another.

Before I was a mother, I remember thinking things like this were more for the children than the adults. I didn't realize how strong the feeling of joy would be in seeing my own child delight in something.

And Anna will find a way to delight in anything. We call her the Joy Bringer for her smiles are like little secret treasures that make you feel like you're her most favorite person in the world.

I repeat the words, "My little family," in my mind over and over, relishing this moment. I squeeze Matt's arm and he presses in closer. We both sneak little kisses on Anna's cheeks, and she pats our hands and happily babbles in response.

As long as these two are beside me, I am always at home.

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Preparing for Baby: How I Reduced Stress During Pregnancy

Stress during pregnancy is inevitable, especially if you're a first time mom, and I had my fair share of it. With so many life changes hitting me all at once (like moving to another state, selling our home, quitting my job, and having a baby for the first time), I was having a hard time handling the transitions. 

More than ever, I needed to figure out how to reduce stress during my pregnancy not only for my own sanity, but for the health and well being of our baby. 

When I was pregnant, I ended up developing a mood disorder that remained with me six months postpartum and was officially diagnosed as Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. During my pregnancy, it manifested itself in severe anxiety that often left me struggling to sleep at night, not knowing when the next panic attack would show up.

How I Reduced Stress During Pregnancy

1. Limit Daily To-Do List to Three Essentials

When I would share that I was struggling with anxiety, a few people said it was normal during pregnancy, that hormones are just all over the place, but Matt and I knew that something was off. I know for some, they just wanted to help me feel better about what I was going through, but often, I left the conversations feeling misunderstood.

In the end, it was my concern for my baby that put me in front of a therapist. I wanted her to have a healthy mother.

The therapist helped me give myself permission to relax. We looked at what was causing me severe anxiety and she helped give me the tools I needed to handle it in healthier ways.

One of the areas of anxiety for me was being overwhelmed with the amount of tasks and chores I felt I needed to be doing, so one of the tools my therapist helped me with was to limit my daily to-do list to three essential things where one of those essentials needed to involve some kind of self care.

For me, those three essentials were getting out of the apartment, preparing for the baby, and completing a house task (like dusting or doing laundry)

I would also add some lavender essential oil to my diffuser during the day and have it on while I completed my tasks to help me stay calm and relaxed.

Tip: If you have a scent that you associate with happy memories, find a way to have it near you throughout your day whether you wear the scent or burn a scented candle. For me, my cousin gifted me a lavender scented moisturizer that I also used on my honeymoon. Ever since, lavender has been my signature scent that transports me to a joyful and peaceful time.

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A Legacy of Grief or a Legacy of Joy: My Battle with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

There is fury and despair beneath the surface of my soul and it will get out if one more thing goes wrong.

And it always does.

I am afraid. I am sad. I am no one. I am nothing.

These phrases were on repeat in my head during my pregnancy, and they slithered into the first few months of Anna's life, robbing me of joy. Robbing me of all the hopes and ideas and stories I dreamt of whispering to her.

I lived this way for over a year.

For over a year, I smiled and nodded through finding out I was pregnant, quitting my job, moving, and navigating a new city.

For over a year, I smiled and nodded when people asked how I was doing.

But bubbling under the surface were lies, fears, and paranoia. They took over me, distorting my thoughts away from what was good.

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How to Find Joy in your Morning Routine with a Baby

In my mind I can see the mother I want to be and when I wake in the morning, she is not there.

I am exhausted. Everything aches and I am resenting my daughter for needing me. I am jealous of my husband who gets to drive to work in silence. I am bitter from the memory of mornings spent in solitude and hot coffee.

I am not a morning person.

But the moment I entered motherhood, I was called to something greater and this morning grouch was not the woman my husband and daughter deserved.

In my selfishness, God met me through the giving heart of my husband who makes me breakfast everyday and tells me to forget the dishes when the baby naps and do something I find fulfilling.

So with my husband's lead, I set out to create a structured routine for my mornings. After all, our bedtime routine with the baby works so well, even the dog knows all the steps.

I wanted to see if it was possible to have a stay at home mom morning routine that not only fulfilled my personal needs, but also pushed me to find order and peace at the start of my day. 

I found myself in need of the mental energy to manage the house, devote time to my daughter, and pursue a project. 

So I asked myself: What is it about my mornings that leave me zapped before 9AM hits?

Here's what wasn't working:

• I wasn't showering until Anna's first nap
• The kitchen was left in a disaster until noon
• I wasn't spending time in God's word
• No time to myself

Once I saw the pain points, I made a list of five solutions I wanted to achieve in the morning that could help alleviate some of those problems.

Those 5 solutions were:

1. Eat breakfast as a family
2. Read a devotional
3. Listen to a podcast
4. Unload the dishwasher
5. Get out of the house

I found that I was already doing some of those things. We were already eating breakfast together and when we moved into our rental home, I started going for walks with Anna every morning. All I had to do was figure out where I could fit the rest in.

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Our Newborn's 5 Favorite Baby Books

I come from a family of book lovers and storytellers. My parents were always reading, and looking back, I find myself incredibly lucky to have witnessed them not only enjoy reading to me, but reading for fun on their own too.

My mother had shelves and trunks filled with books on nearly every subject from Colonial Williamsburg to Japanese cooking.  My father always had a book in the car and it would accompany him in waiting rooms or even to the movie theater right before they dim the lights for the previews.

Both of my grandmothers were filled with folk lore and rhymes, and aunts and uncles on both sides shared their favorite tales with me and my cousins. It was only natural that I chose to go to school for writing; after all, my love for a good story is in my bones.

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How Italy Cured Me of the Internet

I am known, from time to time, to run away from the internet. There's something unnatural about this digital world, about the way it beckons me and keeps me captive.

It all started with two weeks in Italy a few years ago. Late night dinners with my husband that lasted for hours, twilight strolls in piazzas, quiet breakfasts overlooking the Mediterranean. No computers, limited phone data, and a different time zone from the majority of my community back home showed me that surviving without the internet in today's society isn't impossible.

It's amazing what fresh air and walks and food made from scratch can do for the body. It's amazing what a society, drenched in history and art can do for the soul.

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The First Time: A Birth Story

The apartment is quiet and we are slow dancing to Tchaikovsky in the living room. Your little arm fits just so around my shoulder; your little head rests in the crook of my neck as you gaze out the window. You are six weeks old, and I am crying.

I'm thinking about my grandmother, your namesake. It is hard to explain to others how you embody her, for it is her character, her expression that lives in you and only those who knew her well can spot it. She was story come to life and as a storyteller, I am haunted by what I cannot provide for you: a story with a beginning, middle and end of how you came to be.

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Magic + Mood: A Garden Story

There is a sense of dramatic mystery with florals against a dark backdrop.

The combination of dramatic darkness and soft bright foliage always reminds me of another era, another time, and when I look upon my own azaleas arranged prettily in the darkness, I'm instantly transported. 

My grandmother used to have azaleas blooming in her yard when I was little. The bushes were much taller than me with large pink blooms so overwhelmed by their abundance, they seemed to silently crush into one another. It was in front of these mammoth azaleas that she would sit me down so she could take my photograph.

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Family Secrets: I am my grandmother, reflected

When I was little, my grandmother called me her kindred spirit.

"We're February's children," she would whisper. "You're Tuesday's child," she would emphasize. "Full of grace."

It was a spell, I imagined. A spell to bind my spirit to her, to cause myself to wander through life, developing into another version of her.

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Ice in the South: It's not a laughing matter.

For those of you who follow the news, you know what happened in Atlanta this week regarding the winter storm.

I'm exhausted, and I don't feel like discussing much, and kind of emotional. My mother suggested I do something nice today, so Matt and I played with Chester in the yard for a bit and I brought my camera for a little creative therapy, but I'm still processing my 9 hour commute from Tuesday.

I'm so glad to be home with my boys. I know there's plenty of people out there who find it necessary to call Georgia residents cowards and idiots...goodness, I've seen so much nastiness online, but so many people rallied together in this city of mine, delivering food, water, gas and medical aid on foot to so many stranded individuals.

I'm thankful for my neighbor who was up at 2:45AM, relieved to see I had finally made it home; I'm thankful for my friends and family that talked with me on the phone to keep me sane...and awake...in the car, and I'm thankful that what I went through was nowhere compared to what could have happened.

Some Atlanta people are tired of seeing the happy snow day photos, but I feel relieved every time I see someone post a photo of them playing in the snow with their children: it means they weren't one of the thousands of parents trapped on icy roads while their children were stranded on buses or in schools for the night.

It means they are safe, and I would be in agony if I knew a loved one was still stranded out there.

I hope you all have been safe and warm this week. I plan on using my snow days to unwind and cozy up with Matt and Chester.

(I've also been gobbling up the Call the Midwife series on Netflix. Any of you seen it? Is not the most amazing show ever??)

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THE GRADUATE'S WIFE

Some women have husbands who are terminally ill; some women have husbands who travel a lot for work, or get deployed to far off places in the world. Some women have husbands who cheat on them, or abandon them, or hit them. I am not a woman with a husband like this.

I have a husband who is gentle.

Some people may tell you this is an insignificant quality, but this is a quality that encompasses so much more than a word. This is a quality that really says, there is no way to describe the goodness within him. He is quiet and reserved, slow to anger, and thoughtful in his words. He will always smile, always greet people with kindness and never search their words for alternate meanings. He trusts and battles the obstacles within his life.

But I also have a husband who is smart. To know the mind of my husband, is to know one of the mysteries of life. It is ever absorbing, ever growing, ever illuminating. However, he has to fight, on a daily basis, a desire for knowledge; this thirst is so great in him, that it can become the greatest disillusion in his life.

He will lay down his life for the greatest thinkers in his institution, the ones who may tell him he isn't worthy, he isn't smart enough, he isn't fast enough.

I have a husband who is also a Physics grad student.

And so, I struggle to be noticed in the quiet of the evenings, or the slowness of the weekends. He is either away at school, or away in his mind.

To be the wife of a grad student requires a delicate balance of patience and stubbornness:

• I am so proud of my husband and so in awe of his determination and perseverance.

•  I am heartbroken to see him weary with exhaustion, fighting to be a husband, a homeowner, a friend, a son, a brother, and a student. 

• I am jealous of the year he took off in between switching fields of study, when he could leave work at the office.

• I am ashamed of my demands for his time.

• I am broken when he struggles to find a time to pencil me in.

• I am enraged when his university abandons him, cheats him, or belittles him.

• I am elated when he puts his textbooks aside just to look into my eyes. 

• I am hopeful that our love transcends the university, the pursuit of knowledge, and rests in the hands of God.

I am the wife of a Grad student, but more importantly, I am the wife of a man is the hardest worker I've ever known, the wife of a man who loves the Lord and battles to learn for the glory of Him, inspite of the tempation to learn for the glory of Science.

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Have you experienced (or are currently experiencing) being married to a grad student? I'd love to hear more about your story. If you would like to connect with someone experiencing this same season of life, or if you have any encouragement or advice to share, feel free to email me at christina.elyse[at]gmail.com

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